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  • Juna Mustad

Fear Thoughts



You creep in like little, black,

scurrying cockroaches

that hijack my brain.


You take over.


And I lose myself to your compelling,

adrenalized chatter.


I lose my ground.

I lose my trust.

I lose my inner knowing.


You are uninvited guests

in the holy home of my body and Soul.


Fear thoughts


You are a plague of the mind

spreading darkness, terror and mistrust.


And, at the same time

I know you are born from a

part of me that desires

ultimately

to protect myself.


You are the corrupt love poems

of my Inner Protector—

the gatekeeper of this little human life.


Your hot breath and thrilling images

eclipse joy,

shrouding my intuition

in an interminable fog of doubt.


Fear thoughts


You give my ego solace.

You help me feel like I know things.

Even if what I think I “know”

is destructive and painful.


When you arise

a part of me feels safe

in your weighted, familiar embrace.


I can finally rest

in my distrust

of Everything.


Fear thoughts


You are reliably inconvenient.


You love to creep in mid-sleep

or just as I am starting to let go

into a deep meditation,

or just as I am about to step towards something

I really want and love.


“You are going to die.”

“You can’t breathe.”

“You aren’t good enough.”

“You are a failure.”

“You will be alone forever.”

“No one will ever love you.”

“You are going to go insane.”


Fear thoughts


I see you.


You are essentially

mental chatter

coupled with mental images

that conjure

uncomfortable feelings

which ignite my brain’s flight, fight or freeze response.


I jump out of bed.

I try to jump out of my skin.

I leave my body

by either fleeing into my mind and trying to figure it all out,

or through dissociation and wintry paralysis.


How do I regain my foothold in your presence?

How do I reconnect with pleasure, creativity,

curiosity and Trust in your presence?


Fear thoughts


You are my teacher

and most times

I strongly dislike you.


You are both a portal

to the fiery depths of hell.

And you are an Ally

gift wrapped in sh*t,

illuminating for me

my unprocessed shadow material.


My own darkness.

My personal inner hell.

My long-buried fears and traumas.

My aversions.

My unloved parts.


So I ask this…


What if I could love you instead of hate you?

What if I could hold you close instead of trying to push you away?

What if I could be curious about you?

What if I could take long, slow breaths while you are here?

What if?


Perhaps this is where I start today,

I start with asking

the question.



- Juna Mustad